Where I definitely don’t want to work

Lately I had to read way to many job ads (Software engineer and related positions). Here are some of the gems I found:

Fronting users at times are required

Maybe they mean facing users. But I’d love to confront them too. As stupid as they are.


feel driven

When I’m in a taxi – does that count?


sense of urgency

Every morning after breakfast.


Work aggressively

Sometimes I hit the space key really hard.


Work involves some problem solving with assistance and guidance in understanding and applying company policies and processes. Gaining competence in own area and acquiring a higher level understanding of role, processes and procedures.

Sorry, what was that after assistance? Must have fallen asleep.


We are looking for someone with the right attitude that will fit in to our highly skilled team and have the same passion and drive that we have for every project we work on.

Sounds awesome! I’m in!
Oh, what’s the product? And the tech stack?


If you eat, breathe, sleep and live coding

I have a life. Guess I have to pass.


Working Conditions:
Prolonged periods of sitting, standing, bending and kneeling

Bending? Kneeling?! Wtf?


Never-say-die attitude

Huh?


Un-explained love for coding
passionate about programming and ‘dream in code’.

I wouldn’t call it love what I feel for coding.
Most of the time I get nightmares from the code I have to work with.


A strong bent toward fanatical adherence to Testing and TDD
WITH A RUTHLESS ABILITY TO CODE IN RUBY ON RAILS)

NOOBODY expected the client to use it like this.



dav
Let me guess: Flat hierarchies. Ideas and arguments count more than titles and positions.


FOR MARYLAND STATE RESIDENTS: I UNDERSTAND THAT UNDER MARYLAND LAW, AN EMPLOYER MAY NOT REQUIRE OR DEMAND AS A CONDITION OF EMPLOYMENT, PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYMENT OR CONTINUED EMPLOYMENT, THAT AN INDIVIDUALSUBMIT TO OR TAKE A LIE DETECTOR OR SIMILAR TEST. AN EMPLOYER WHO VIOLATES THIS LAW IS GUILTY OF A MISDEMEANOR AND SUBJECT TO A FINE NOT EXCEEDING $100.00.

When you have to check checkboxes like that (for a job in Singapore) you know they have way to many processes and it will take them half a year just to look at your application.

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